It might as well have been 1888. In those days, guns were the law in wild Fillmore. People out of work due to the lack of gold in Sespe Creek or cattle to rustle... held up the Fillmore & Western railroad and robbed passengers. That is... until Judge “Hang 'EM High Hagel and Judge “Bloodbath” McGrath moseyed into town.
But the cantankerous robbers struck first. Holding up passengers on board... the ruthless thugs confiscated everything of value. Easy pickin's... it could be said. But passengers were warned before boarding... rumors portrayed outlaws thick as thieves roamed the Sespe Creek Valley so be prepared to be robbed. Rumor quickly became reality.

As the snarly bandits attempted to flee with their bounty... they were met by lawmen... guns drawn and firing a barrage of lead bullets at the fleeing robbers. Colt against Smith & Wesson. Shiny badges against sweat-stained Stetsons. Justice was swift. When the thick cloud of gun smoke cleared... not a thief or his accomplice was left standing. As the posse's deputies collected the stolen loot... the town's undertaker collected the bodies. Coffin and burial costs cheerfully paid by passing a collection hat among the hoodlum's victims.

Back aboard the train now rambling down the tracks through the bucolic Santa Clara Valley (yes, even at night it's bucolic) passengers relaxed and enjoyed a scrumptious round of chow... BBQ chicken, roast beef, baked beans, garden salad and a grand array of fabulous desserts. For the long of thirst... beverages galore. You should have been there!

Tranquility soon turned to chaos, bedlam... even pandemonium! Besides the departed train robbers... there were scoundrels and scofflaws of all varieties on board the Santa Paula Express. Scofflaws indeed. People were being arrested hither and yon on charges of urinating in public, bigamy, public buffoonery (gasp!), grave robbing, bribery, wife stealing, horse stealing and cattle rustling. It was wild. But of course... to get out of jail... one could always... ahem... bribe a judge. Or even quicker... bribe a lawman. Everyone wearing a badge was on the take. Seems that such shenanigans was commonplace on this Fillmore & Western train rambling down the rustless rails.

When dastardly folks weren't being tossed in jail... the judges were besieged with “shotgun” weddings. Lots of fellers were hornswaggled, handcuffed and hitched which they concluded was a lot better than a load of buckshot in the buttocks. For only $20 a lady could apply for a marriage license and have a ball-and-chain attached to a hapless dude.

While Judge “Bloodbath” McGrath was busy performing matrimonial services... the other judge... “Hang “Em High” Hagel was busy performing “quickie” divorces... which some dudes declared was akin to a “get out of jail” card. For the paltry sum of $30 you could be officially declared “single and available”. But for only as long as you could outrun Bloodbath McGrath's shotgun-toting matrimonial enforcers who were fleet of foot and worked for whiskey.

If you can't trust a law-biding judge... then who? Beware the black robe with thirsty pockets.

Both judge McGrath and Hagel ended up behind bars on charges of “bribery”. Gasp! Furthermore, I was accused and arrested for... ahem... cattle rustling. Rumor has it that for a bottle of bootleg hooch a sleazy Bardsdale rancher falsely accused me! Nevertheless, I become a cell mate with the unscrupulous judge “Bloodbath” McGrath... along with bandit Carlos Juarez and another bad-arse fella. Under such dire circumstances one quickly embraces conspiracy theories. I was framed... I tell ya.

This mayhem parlayed into an evening of incredible fun punctuated with huge amounts of laughter. But all for a good reason. Proceeds from ticket sales, bribes, bail, fines, marriage licenses, divorces and extortions were for the benefit of the Boys & Girls Club of Santa Clara Valley. The event was hosted by the Fillmore & Western Railway Company and sponsors included Ventura County Deputy Sheriff's Association, Ventura County Sheriff's Posse and Fillmore Piru Citrus Association.

Space prohibits thanking all the individuals who dedicated their time, work and talent to make the Great Train Robbery such an fabulously successful and jovial event. A job incredibly well done by all involved... all for a great cause. And for those who read this... and didn't ride the train... well... see on board next year. Just think... we might even end up cell mates. Hmmm.