Bob Crum

First, portrait photography is not my favorite genre--especially of teenagers. But “no” was not an option. A friend of a friend. You know how that is.

Mother wants a portrait of her son for relatives back east. Must be natural light, I'm not loving flash photography much. To impress the relatives back east, mom selects Mugu rock on the PCH, background the ocean. Works for me.

When they arrived, the afternoon light was delicious. No sooner had John, not his real name, and I met it was obvious he was no more happy sitting for his portrait than I was shooting it.

Let's go over here I suggested. John agreed, mom objected. “I want the rock and the ocean,” she said. Fine, I said, move the rock and it'll work. She didn't appreciate my humor. I wasn't kidding.

I knew the perfect place for John to perch. It meant some rock climbing. Fine with John. Mom stayed up top. With John sitting on a boulder with the ocean background, I urged John to smile. Wasn't happening. Mom noted and yelled: “Smile John!” John remained stone faced.

John, I said, smile and we can both go home. John was obstinate. So was I. OK, John, here's how it is: You either smile or you are going to sit on that rock until you become one with it and seagulls poop all over you. He finally smiled, just long enough for me to capture a couple photos. Not enough. One more time John. Nothing doing. Mom, I yelled, bribe your son! “New cell phone John!” mom yelled. John's smile was ear to ear wide. “Did he smile?” yelled Mom. Yes! a lot, I replied! Mom loved the photos and wrote the check with a smile. I smiled too. Smiling is good! Well folks, that's it, done with portrait work for the rest of the year. Well, maybe. If you want to pay a $50,000 sitting fee then I'm your guy.

Afterward, I had time to stroll around and perhaps come upon a photo op or two. A few pelicans flew by but I forgot to reinstall the telephoto lens. OK, forget the pelicans. After changing lenses, maybe shoot some explosive waves. Nah, wasn't happening. Calm ocean, slack tide. Boring. It's like that sometimes. Worse, no mermaids!

Whoa, out of the corner of my eye, the left one of course, I glimpsed a hairy animal. Then it disappeared. I moved to get a better view of where the animal emerged. I shouldn't have. It suddenly reappeared and began to move towards me. Frightened, I froze. It moved slowly at first oblivious of my presence. As I raised the camera it saw me and instantly began to rapidly charge at me. Escape options were limited with the ocean on one side, a cliff on the other. Difficult as it might be, my only escape was to scramble up a nearby boulder. Mmmm. But even as the shrieking hairy monster with its glaring beady eyes got closer, you know I have to capture at least one photo. Thankfully it finally moved on, disappearing into the rocks. I quickly returned to the safety of my truck. Whew! Of the two: The tortuous portrait shoot or confronting a hairy monster; which would I prefer? HA! That's easy. I'll take my chances photographing ferocious wildlife any day! That said, I'm thrilled to have escaped this harrowing experience to bring you the photo of the week: The menacing Super Mouse of Mugu!

Happy photoing.

Send your suggestions, comments and questions to bob@fillmoregazette.com