NICK NAMES

. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has seven items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, shampoo and a towel...
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

. A married man should forget his mistakes.

. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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THE ANT AND
THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different.... Two Different Versions................. Two Different Morals
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OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away..

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
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MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing,'We shall overcome.' Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.
________________________________________
I've sent this to you because I believe that you are an ant & not a grasshopper! Make sure that you pass this on to other ants. Don't bother sending it on to any grasshoppers because they wouldn't understand it, anyway.

Here are two from the Bat Family: (pictured above left) Sucker-footed Bat, (above right) Left-Winged Ding Bat.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpevc2t_Frw

This is very funny. No offense to the Dems.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SY8uzqNi4sA

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her. She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me! My dog is a Democrat!

Click on the link below...

http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations.

Car Accidents:

* "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

* "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

* "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

* "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

* "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

* "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

* "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

* "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

* "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

* "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."

* "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."

* "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

* "The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."

* "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

* "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."

* "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

* "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

* "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."

* "My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."

* "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

* "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

* "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

* "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

* "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

* "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

* "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

* "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

* "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."

* "A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."

* "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

* "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

* "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

Other Accidents:

* "My finger hit the band saw, damaging it."

Insurance Form Anecdotes:

* In France, not very long ago, the forms used for notifying insurers of accident, illness, or pregnancy were based on the same mold. Consequently, expectant mothers were asked, "Was the accident caused by some third party?" Invariably, the answer was, "No, only by my husband."

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At least get the phone turned in the right direction!!! If he listens through his mouth, Does that mean he talks through the other end?????? And they laughed at Bush...
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